Focus on Friendship with Your Teenage Step Child
Step Parents Enjoy the Right to a Friend Based Relationship
Apr 7, 2009
Many step parents try to assume a parenting role with new teenage step children. This is destined for failure and frustration. Instead step parents should take on the enviable role of friend and confidant.
Suzen Ziegahn writes in her book 7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild [Saint Martin's Griffin Publisher, 2001] that the key to successful step parenting comes in recognizing and honoring the relationships already existing in the family the step parent is entering. This includes respecting the clearly established parent-child relationships existing prior to the second marriage.
This recognition is especially important if the step children are teenagers. Trying to exert the role of parent over older kids will simply not work for the step parent. Instead, they should enjoy the fact they have a right to make friendships with their teenage charges free from discipline or parenting decisions.
The step parent of a teenager should assume a general support role, deferring parenting demands to the parents but supporting his or her partner. Secondly, the step parent should try to establish a friendship with his or her teenage step child based upon trust and loyalty. Persistence is a necessary duty. As Zieghan points out, one can choose one's friends and allow them to come and go, however, one has the new relationship with the teen step child for life.
Making the Bond Happen
Step parents should make their position to their teenage stepchild clear from the beginning of the marriage, even earlier if possible. The step parent should make the following elements crystal clear for the teenager:
- The step parent has no intention of making the rules. That is the job of the parents.
- The step parent has a very special relationship with the parent and will not allow this relationship to be manipulated.
- The step parent genuinely cares for the teenager and will work hard to be a friend to him or her and give the respect and love he or she deserves.
Like many things, the above points are easier said than accomplished. However, by taking certain steps, the step parent has an opportunity to prove his or her commitment. First, of course, these points should be discussed with the parent and agreed upon. Once the couple comes to an understanding of the step parents plan, the plan can be put into action.
Recounting the concept of staying out of the parenting business should begin with a candid conversation with the step child. The step parent should convey the following ideas:
- He or she respects the fact the stepchild has parents and parents make the rules.
- He or she will not break the rules placed by the parents.
- He or she will not participate in discipline.
The next component may be the most difficult to talk about. After all, the step parent is replacing one of the parents in the parent-parent relationship. Teens will often resent this replacement. Some points to make with the teenage step child include:
- The step parent loves his or her new partner very much and is committed to the relationship 100%.
- The step parent choose to be in the relationship, with full knowledge that the children are included, as a plan for the rest of his or her life.
- The step parent will not tolerate manipulation of the relationship. Instead, the step parent wants to make a good relationship with the new step children.
The Availability for Friendship is Paramount
Most teens are hungry for adult friendships and many step parents find themselves feeling very loved quickly. Of course, step parents may be confused when suddenly the teen turns on him or her in anger or betrayal.
The changes in adolescence makes continuity on the part of the step parent essential. The step parent must remember he or she is the adult in this situation and the step child has little control over the developmental changes he or she is facing and the difficult emotional changes accompanying the physical changes.
Step parents should continue reaching out when ever an opportunity presents itself. Attending events in which the teen is participating, making a special time to be available to spend time with the teen and familiarizing oneself with the teens friends and their parents are all good approaches to establishing the basis for friendship with the teen.
Step parenting is a difficult but rewarding role. In making connection with your teenage child focus on being available as a friend to the teen, being honest about the sanctity of the relationship you have with his or her parent and avoiding the initiation of discipline. A step parent should enjoy the freedom he or she has from traditional parenting duties and focus on making continuous efforts of bonding as a friend and confidant to the teenage step child.
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