Step Parenting Children & Joint Custody Issues
When Should Stepmothers Discipline a Child?
May 2, 2009
Should stepmothers discipline a child? When a stepmom marries into a joint custody situation, who is in charge of the child’s behavior? Experts recommend that the biological parent (father) enforce the rules, but step parenting children is not always that easy. Sometimes, dads are unavailable and parenting falls to stepmoms who must discipline a child, even when they don't want to.
Stepmothers and the Real Joint Custody Issues
The role of a stepmother and her status in the family is often unclear when it comes to authority. And, since joint custody children are members of two households with two sets of rules, it is inevitable that these kids will have conflicting feelings about discipline and loyalty to their biological mother. While most experts agree that the father should be the parent to discipline a child from his first marriage, in the real world step parenting doesn’t always work that way.
Step Parenting Children: What to Do Before the Marriage
In joint custody situations, stepmothers and biological fathers need to be in agreement about responsibilities and rights of the stepmom. Both adults should sit down with the kids and explain the stepmother’s role. But, every stepmom should also understand that no matter how many times this conversation takes place, her stepchildren may be afraid to make a new bond with her, and they will probably engage in behaviors to test her commitment.
Points for Fathers to Remember about Step Parenting Children:
- When there are disagreements about rules, the kids will naturally look to their father.
- If a father continually undermines his spouse, the children will not accept her authority.
- Kids need consistent and predictable boundaries in the father’s home, however, the rules do not need to be the same as those at his ex’s house.
You’re Not My Mother – Stepmothers Need to Know What to Say to Discipline a Child
At some point, a child will say, “You’re NOT my mother!” In this situation, stepmoms must remain calm and in control. Here are ideas about what a stepmother should say to discipline a child:
- “You’re right. I’m not your mother.”
- “You have a mom and a dad and I don’t intend to replace them.”
If their father is unavailable to enforce the rules and back up the stepmom, here are examples of what to say next:
- “At the moment, I am the adult in charge. And, this is a rule that you are expected to follow in this house.”
- “I am your stepmom. You do need to listen to me.”
Remember to say this with love. A joint custody child is walking through a minefield of parental absences, new homes, new rules, and new family members. Many times a child will feel hurt and need someone to blame, and stepmoms are a convenient target.
The Role of Stepmother as “Babysitter”
Parents make the rules. Step parents enforce them. One new idea is the “babysitter” role model for stepmoms. This is explained by Robert Klopfer, a child development specialist:
“If the step parent is alone with the children, the step parent is empowered with the ‘babysitter privilege’ of enforcing the rules that the parenting team has set up. Children seem to respond to this approach after testing the limits a few times. Consistent parenting reactions are crucial to the success of this new system.”
Step parenting children, and dealing with joint custody, is something learned over time. Should stepmothers discipline a child? Sometimes they must, but it is best if the children’s father enforces rules. When possible, stepmothers’ roles should be discussed before marriage. Stepmothers should know what to say when a child challenges their authority, though young children cope with divorce and remarriage in a different way. Many times it is easiest for a stepmother to look at her role as having “babysitter privileges”, at least until the family settles into some new routines. There are other issues involved like new step-sibling relationships, but research has shown that if a step parent can make it through the first year, odds are the new stepfamily will work out.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
Resources:
Klopfer, Robert, LCSW, BCD. "Finding Solid Ground: Discipline in Stepfamilies". Achievesolutions.net, Nov. 17, 2008.
"Survival Guide for Step Parents, Five Secrets to Enjoying Your Stepchildren"hcmmlaw.com, March 28, 2009.
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